It isn't often that I find myself in one of these contemplative moods so I'm going to make the most of it. I basically found myself thinking about what it would be like to be standing on the ledge of the highest floor of the highest building there'd be... about to end my life. Not saying I'm suicidal, I just found the whole concept intriguing in a scientifically and philosophically curious sense. These are my thoughts on it:
"I'm not entirely sure as to why I'm here, at this moment, but somehow I know I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm in that sort of position where I'm powerful, proud, in control and yet helpless and humble at the same time. Come to think of it, maybe I'm here for exactly that reason - To feel what I feel now. To experience the fragility of life first hand. To surrender to the most inherent whim - Instinct.
"It wasn't instinct that got me here. It was a feeling of helpless necessity. It isn't instinct that's keeping me here, either. It's something almost surreal, that exists only in this moment I find myself in. To be surrounded by the things that I know I can leave behind in a heart beat, is an undeniable truth. The simplest way to put it would be that what I feel now, is a RUSH.
"I'll admit that it wasn't the rush that brought me here. It is, however, the rush that's keeping me here. The rush, that's preventing me from carrying out what I came here to do. That very rush, which initiates thoughts of uncertainty which didn't arise before. This is truly an intoxicating moment - Millions of thoughts and processes play out in my mind, harmoniously and yet, with a certain rhythmic randomness. It must be true the, what they say. You feel most alive, when you're about to die."
That's pretty much it. I'm not sure why I ended up thinking along those lines, but I'm kind of glad I did. I thrive on thinking about situations by putting myself in others' shoes. In this case, it was the shoes of someone suicidal. I assure you again, that this is NOT a reflection of my feelings at the moment. It's just something I felt like doing. After all, it's little things like this, which inherently possess the capacity to influence us most.
1 comment:
Oh my god this one I think is by FAR your best post. I've thought about it too and I have to admit I never thought about it in this way :)To identify How doing something so drastic could leave you feeling your most potent and yet your most vulnerable is something I SO admire you for! I ought to go to college now, so I'll look forward to reading your mail, hopefully :)
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